Leaving an abusive partner is probably one of the most difficult and dangerous things to confront in life. You may have taken years to decide, and have now finally taken the step. Many survivors, after years of having been isolated from friends, family and the wider community, find they have to do this on their own. Often with no money, no housing security, no idea of what will happen next.
After leaving, the abuse, the fear and anxiety that was ever-present during the relationship does not end. Perpetrators do not want to lose control, and tend to continue their reign of terror after separation often being at their most dangerous when the victim leaves. The worst violence, including murder, happens when abuse victims try to leave.
During this period of overwhelming fear and anxiety, you are also confronted with the practicalities of moving to a new house, the children’s lives, and other issues that require organisation and rationality. Many victims have experience of dealing with police, social services or courts before they leave, but for others this is new, and again a real source of fear and shame. ‘If I tell them what really happened, will they take my children away’? and other such thoughts.
When I left, I was in a real state, and lived almost on automatic pilot; other than the adrenaline that came with the fear, there was no time or space to feel anything. Thinking back to that time, there were a few things that were incredibly useful to me:
1. Tell people you trust
This is not easy, as you may have been silent about your experiences for a long time, and the shame of some of the things that happened to you runs deep. However, in telling friends and family you will find incredible support, and you may learn that unexpected others have had similar experiences. Tell your GP, your children’s teachers, perhaps your colleagues or line manager at work. Not everyone may be supportive, but the benefits of sharing your experiences are important. Firstly, as you tell your story you become stronger, it gets easier as you find words to describe what happened to you. Secondly, as you tell more people, friends, neighbours, other parents, you build a network of safety around you and your children. It limits the perpetrator’s freedom to come close and harass you whenever he feels like it. Finally, telling your story to GPs, schools and other organisations helps if you end up in court in the future. Some of this reporting counts as evidence, you may not want to think about this early on, and you don’t have to, but if a couple of years later on you need a letter of support from your GP or a domestic abuse organisation, it can help your case.
2. Find an Outreach Worker
Most women I meet who have just left state they do not want to involve police or social services, and understandably so. Public services do not have a good reputation when it comes to domestic abuse, and often cause more anxiety than offering real support. However, all local areas have very good domestic abuse services, local charities or voluntary organisations that offer helplines, outreach services, drop-in groups, legal advice or other useful support. Five minutes of googling ‘domestic abuse services’ in your local area will give you a list. Their services are confidential, and they do not involve police or social services unless you are in immediate danger. I contacted my local domestic abuse service two months after I left him and was allocated my own Outreach Worker. For the first year or so I called her two or three times a week. She helped me understand how domestic abuse perpetrators operate and how to limit my ex’s control over my life until eventually I never had to see him or speak to him again. I used to tell her everything about myself and the children and it was through these conversations and the various services I accessed through the organisation that the children and I started to claim our lives back. If you have not yet left the relationship, these organisations will offer support without putting pressure on you.
3. Create a file, write down everything
In the first few weeks after leaving, the anxiety is often crippling and the list of things to do endless, and just getting through the day seems an impossible task. Whilst in a state of severe emotional distress, you are required to be completely rational in dealing with the official side of ending an abusive relationship, such as housing, finance or legal issues. I gave all the official stuff a file that I would take out for an hour or so two or three times a week, that was initially all the rationality I could manage. During that hour I would write down everything relating to the abuse, if he still harassed me, if he did something to the children (in case I would need it later), anything to do with finance and banking, or anything else official. If I didn’t know how to deal with something, I would call my Outreach Worker and ask for help. Once I closed my file for the day, I had symbolically given the rational, official stuff a place, and could allow myself the space to deal with the more mundane tasks of work, school runs or shopping. Of course it didn’t always work, but it helped me to find my way through.
Remember, If it all feels too much, be gentle with yourself, you do not have to solve everything in one day, just take one step at a time, and know that you are not alone.
Mireille